Obituary: The Biggest Loser
It has been one full week since The Biggest Loser last texted me declaring his ardent desire to be friends forever, and on this, which would have been our 8 month anniversary, I am declaring him administratively dead to me.
Herewith I am attaching a list of his flaws, which I wrote during the time we were having problems, to try to make myself feel better and like him less. It didn’t help. But it may help you understand just what exactly I was dealing with, and the extent of how motherfucking miserable it is to be single and dating. Clearly I do NOT want to end up with a loser of this caliber, but equally clear is the fact that this is THE BEST I CAN DO as evidenced by the fact that he is the best I could get in two years of trying.
Embarrassing in public
Stupid
Ignorant
Not nice to me anymore
No ambition
Poor
Trashy
Hunchback
Drug addict, but embarrassing drugs (tramadol)
Trashy family
No education
Doesn’t like nice things
Can’t see own lack of musical talent
Doesn’t read
Doesn’t ever go out
Doesn’t travel
Shitty job (pizza delivery driver at 33 years old!)
Gets fired from shitty jobs (5 jobs in last year)
Collects stray animals
Can’t make plans for serious future
Doesn’t like making plans in advance
Hairy back
Scared of marriage
Scared of commitment
Embarrassing license plate (usonuva)
Shitty car
Doesn’t know how to eat well
Takes caffeine pills
Shoplifter
Steals
Overtips for bad service
No savings
No retirement plans
Doesn’t understand how the world works
Hates Disney
Hates corporations
Doesn’t even want musical success
No apparent close friends
Lives in basement
Doesn’t clean bathroom
Can’t remember to leave bath fan on
Brushes teeth too hard
Mispronounces words
Misuses words
Wants to live in Virginia forever
Can’t think things through
Changes mind overnight
Ruled by emotion not logic
Can’t be bothered to email
And that list is not exhaustive – that was just written off the top of my head, on my iPhone, while I was half asleep, after having had a dream where we were walking around my neighborhood and he kept embarassing me by acting like a piece of trash.
To that list I would now also add:
Liar
Cheater
And, most horrifyingly of all – HAS TICKS IN HIS BED
How do I know that he has ticks in his bed? Well my darlings, the very last time that I stayed over there, I woke up with a TICK ON MY LEG. Not crawling on my leg. Firmly attached to me and drinking the blood from my leg. And two full weeks later, it still has not completely healed. This is because he is also
Cheap as hell
And will not pay the $10 or whatever it costs to put Frontline on his indoor/outdoor animals (which are not even his, his landlord lets him pretend it’s his cat so he’ll buy it food and take it to the vet – such an idiot). Also filed under Cheap As Hell – on more than one occasion we at at the food court at the mall and he forced me to SPLIT a soda with him to save money. Sigh.
This is not a life I would wish on anybody. Even trashy girls should have dreams of being lifted out of it, even they shouldn’t have to settle for a guy like this.
The Biggest Loser
I really don’t want to talk about this one, but I’ve got to get through it to get to the new material. So I will now devote one, and only one, post to the guy who took me off the market for nearly 8 months, and thus explain my sudden disappearance and long absence from blogging.
Briefly, we met on October 3, 2010 and had a great first date. He immediately asked me on a second date to a movie that Wednesday. He then asked me out again for that Sunday (Monday was a holiday) and everything just took off from there. By the end of October he was referring to me as “my girl” to his friends and family. At that same time, he started calling me every night before bed, and continued to do so every single night for six months.
On our six month anniversary though, things felt somewhat up in the air still. We hadn’t exchanged I love you’s. And actually, although we’d had the conversation that we were together exclusively and not sleeping with other people, he had never officially said that we were in a serious relationship.
In a moment of frustration a few weeks prior, I had sent a text asking something along the lines of “do you think of me as a gf or just a girl you’re friends with and sleeping with?” And he said something like “I think of you as my girl. My gf I guess.” I mean he didn’t go the 100% negative route and flip out like “How dare you ask me after only 6 months what’s going on between us! I cast you aside clingy woman!” But it wasn’t like the pathway to a good conversation about yes we are on the same page here.
This is the part I don’t want to talk about, so I will give the shortest possible summary. On our 6 month anniversary we were lying in bed and he asked if I wanted to “take a break.” I was shocked and said I did not. He was suprised to learn that I had strong feelings for him. He said he had thought I was not that into him. For two months we then tried to make it work, which on my end led to much misery, crying, sleepless nights, loss of appetite, loss of ability to enjoy normal activities, and all the other signs of depression. Or at least that’s what I thought was going on.
I did not find this out until two weeks ago, but what actually happened is he fucked around with some slut the week of our 6 month anniversary. He then attempted to break up with me (although, for the record, suggesting “a break” is NOT the same thing as breaking up with someone!) because he felt guilty and didn’t think I wanted to be with him anyway. He apparently honestly thought I would just say “ok, goodbye.” When that did not happen, what he did was continue on with me half-heartedly because he “didn’t want to hurt” me while simultaneously having a full on emotional affair with her.
He had called me every single day for six months and texted me constantly throughout the day every day. He stopped suddenly after that first “break” conversation and it KILLED ME even though supposedly we were still together. He kept saying he just didn’t have the time anymore. I couldn’t understand how he could just go from 100 to 0 and not miss it terribly. But as I later found out, it was because he actually went from 100 with me to 100 with her. He started calling her constantly, texting her constantly, doing absolutely everything but fuck her, because that to him would have been the one thing that was over the line.
Anyway, long story short, cheating is not something a relationship can be salvaged from. So for me, it ended today, via text message, while I was on the bus on my way to visit a friend for the weekend.
I’ll confess – I backdate these to the day they happened and write them later when I’m feeling up to it. So it is now one week later. And I’m not sure if he even realizes it’s entirely over. I had asked for him to leave the stuff I left at his house at my door while I was gone and he didn’t. And he never once in the whole two months asked to have back the significant amount of stuff of his at my house. His last text to me indicated that he still really, really wanted to be friends with me.
But he sent that last text last Friday. He hasn’t contacted me for over a week. If we are “friends” in his mind, then what the fuck is he doing exactly? Holding on to my stuff, waiting for me to “calm down” or something? I’m not going to fucking calm down, I’m going to hate him FOREVER. But he is probably too stupid to truly understand that.
He had indicated to me several times over the course of the two months of problems that he wanted to “be friends” and that his vision of friends would be chattering away happily on the phone with me 3 to 4 times a week. Meanwhile I would be lying there sobbing. It boggles my mind that he could even suggest that and think it was a real possibility.
One other thing I should mention – I found out about the cheating on a Thursday and saw him that night, Saturday night, and Monday night, trying to hash it out, get all the details, and make sense of what had happened. And, idiot that he is, he had all the evidence still sitting right in his phone, which he does not hide or password protect in anyway. So I took a look in it before he woke up and found everything.
And I contacted her. To get answers for myself and to find out if she knew what was going on. She didn’t. She was very helpful. He had told her all about me and even showed her pictures, but had been telling her we were on a break. She was super pissed. We texted back and forth for hours while he was asleep. She called him when I left and screamed at him for quite some time. I don’t know for sure that they are never going to see each other again, but I know that whatever cute happy little thing he thought was blossoming got crushed. It’s just not the same for a girl after she finds out she’s actually the skank ass homewrecking whore some asshole was cheating with. No one wants to be that girl.
And just for the record – no matter how awful your relationship was or how badly it ended, your heart is still broken. This is directed at you, my heartless unhelpful jerk friends, who keep saying things like “why do you care if he was such a loser?” Fuck you. When was the last time you were in love?
MUL: What Kind of Alcoholic Can’t Even Commit to Drinks?
Well the Messed Up Lawyer IM’d me first today – for the first time since we started speaking again. He was giving me an update on the press release I mostly wrote. And then everything immediately went to shit. I feel like it’s a little lazy to just paste in these IM’s, but it gives you a much more authentic flavor of the conversation than if I try to paraphrase everything.
me: (8:50:53 PM) i checked my work calendar, and you can have friday
him: (8:52:15 PM) fuck, i just made plans for friday
him: (8:52:24 PM) i have to go to dinner with a friend
him: (8:52:31 PM) but we can meet after if you want to
me: (8:52:57 PM) eh whatever
me: (8:53:09 PM) this is why normal people make actual plans
him: (8:53:19 PM) yeah i suppose
me: (8:54:31 PM) when would after be.
him: (8:56:06 PM) not sure 10ish
him: (8:56:09 PM) in bethesda
him: (8:58:23 PM) i have plans on saturday i am trying to get out of
me: (8:58:49 PM) oh?
me: (8:58:57 PM) saturday is actually a lot better
him: (8:59:09 PM) i might just stand the person up
me: (9:02:03 PM) when will you decide?
him: (9:05:16 PM) i don’t know
him: (9:05:27 PM) i would say, don’t waste time waiting for me
him: (9:05:39 PM) but if in the end, you end up without plans, we can meet up most likely
me: (9:10:08 PM) hmm
me: (9:12:22 PM) i don’t just not have plans
me: (9:12:31 PM) if i have no plans i will make some
me: (9:12:35 PM) why don’t you just mail me a bottle of booze that seems easier
him: (9:12:45 PM) i think you can’t mail booze
me: (9:13:59 PM) that’s awfully convenient
him: (9:14:32 PM) is it?
me: (9:14:54 PM) for you
him: (9:15:46 PM) i’m not trying to get out of this
me: (9:16:41 PM) i dont care whatever
him: (9:16:41 PM) but anyway, its not a big deal
him: (9:17:16 PM) you really should be resting anyway
me: (9:17:21 PM) i already did that
me: (9:17:28 PM) we’ll see about saturday
So obviously I’m going to try as hard as I can to make OTHER plans with ANYONE else. Because this is not in ANY way acceptable. And if it comes down to it, I will sit at home alone. And if he texts me drunk on Saturday night to ask me to come out, I’ll tell him I do not respond to drunk text solicitations and would rather sit at home alone than jump when he snaps his fucking fingers. But I’ll find a way to say it meaner so it hurts his feelings.
UGH. I have NO plans for this weekend because none of these fucking assholes who supposedly want to see me can get their shit together and I HATE THEM ALL. I don’t see why these fucking assholes can’t commit to firm plans when they are NOT busy or important by any stretch of the imagination.
I guess I have to scrounge up some awful loser/strangers off the internet. Fantastic. I would rather just stay home and relax but then society will think I’m pathetic…
I HATE THIS, I am SO SICK of meeting strangers. It’s been a year and a half and they have ALL been just terrible. I don’t feel like I’m picky, I feel like these people are honestly substandard. Not one of them has even been up to the level where I would want to be friends with them. They are all just absolutely worthless,
And I’m not even looking for half the things some of my friends are looking for. All I want is someone I can respect.
Ok whatever, I’m going to bed.
Quickie Update: The Young One
Ooooh the poor Young One got yelled at for being on gchat too much at work (not sure whether that’s based on his boss physically seeing him too many times or coming from the IT department.) That sucks, but that’s what you get for going corporate.
So if I can’t talk to him at work anymore and he can’t make plans to see me, this is pretty much just not going to work.
::sigh::
Well, on the bright side, maybe he’ll get laid off. If he’s unemployed he’ll have all the time in the world to hang out :)
MUL: Strange Fantasies
Another four hours IM’ing with the Messed Up Lawyer. The press release went out today and is starting to show up places. I couldn’t care less about what it does for him, but it’s kind of exciting to see something I wrote published by someone else!
I spent some time hassling him about making plans to get those drinks he promised me. He still seems receptive to the idea. He suggested Friday, but Friday sucks for me because I have a 9am class on Saturday mornings. He said he had plans for Saturday. I asked what we would be doing exactly and he acted like normal daily activities like making plans caused him actual physical pain. He then suggested shopping Saturday afternoon, which is an unacceptable alternative to consuming drinks.
We then talked about: my injury, tv, vacations, houseplants, our jobs sucking, our savings strategies, the book I may or may not be writing, and then dragons.
He agreed to make me a remix of the Reading Rainbow theme song (I would link to it, but it’s already stuck in your head, no?) in exchange for a poem about dragons.
And we closed it out with this, which is a good reminder of why I bother to talk to this fool still – he doesn’t suck ALL the time:
him: (11:34:20 PM) ok i have to pass out right away
me: (11:34:41 PM) dream of the reading rainbow song
him: (11:35:00 PM) dream of captain picard
me: (11:35:05 PM) always
Experiment One: Negative Profile, Part II
Let’s move on to emails!
I received 9 emails this week (marked with a * means they also winked) and we will certainly be exploring the content, but first some statistics:
26, VA, Indian, 6’1
30, MD, white, 6’0
31, VA, hispanic, 5’9
32, MD, white, 5’11, has previously winked/emailed many times
32, DC, white, 6′ 5*
39, York, PA, Indian, 5’10*
42, DC, white 6’2
45, VA, hispanic, 5’8
50, MD, asian, 6’0
So out of 9 new emails: 2 from the type of man I said I was looking for (22%), 2 from guys who were also possibilities (22%), and 5 from men who were just completely unacceptable (just plain old, super crazy old, from the middle of nowhere, previously rejected) (56%.)
The completely unacceptable rate is still way too high, but I guess that’s slightly better results than winks as far as people who could have reasonably thought I wanted to hear from them.
Now let’s look at how they chose to introduce themselves to me!
30, MD, white, 6’0
No Subject
Haha. That’s alot of No’s! ;) So, what do you think? Do i fit a maybe in there somewhere? Lol. I’m intrigued by you. Let’s talk or meet up for one drink sometime! Maybe two! ;)
- Name
My Proposed Reply: Ok, this guy was kind of cute and acceptable so he may get a real email back… However, it’s generally unacceptable to suggest meeting in the very first email.
50, MD, asian, 6’0
Subject: Hello
I like your prfile ad and enjoy many things. I like your smile. Hope we can chat more. Let me know. – Name
My Proposed Reply: I’m sure you do enjoy many things again, now that you’ve had that hip replacement. Please don’t write to girls 20 years younger than you, you creepy geriatric!
39, York, PA, Indian, 5’10*
Subject: Hello
Hi there
I very well don’t match your say as I am older than 35 have been married once for a short period and ….
But I just like your up front attitude, so thought if we could be friends to begin with…..
My Proposed Reply: If you can see that I don’t want to hear from you, whyyyy did you write to me???
45, VA, hispanic, 5’8
Subject: Too funny!
Probably the funniest profile I’ve read on this site, for me I’ve met those women whose photo must have been taken in the 80′s (while they had good teeth), look at me when the check comes (on several occasions), expect that I’m fluent in Spanish just because I’m of Mexican decent and write me these long drawn out messages that I would get college credit for translating into English, write me off if I don’t respond in a day or so, and say they like to stay fit but would get charged extra by the airlines..
I wish you luck~!
- Name
My Proposed Reply: Dear Cheap Loser – The guy has to pay, even for fat chicks. Thought you should know! Regards, C
31, VA, hispanic, 5’9
Subject: Really bad news…
A just heard that a guy with the following criterias will send you a message soon; Late 50′s, 3 kids, vegan, divorced, widower, bald, and works as a defense contractor on the IT department.
Sorry, that you have not found anyone interesting enough. I completely understand and agree with you.
To answer your question “What I was doing wrong?”, you never reply to my email.
My Proposed Reply: This guy is a prophet. It’s like he knew I was lighting a candle that would attract nothing but hideous troll moths… if only I had listened!
26, VA, Indian, 6’1
Subject: Hi
Interested?
My Proposed Reply: No!
32, MD, white, 5’11, has previously winked/emailed many times
Subject: So who do you like?
Ok, I read your profile and what you are looking for and got a big kick out of it. You really don’t leave much for a picking. So you are looking for someone that lives at home and works at Mcdonalds and is the age of 34 11months and 30 days old? haha.
So I happen to work in IT for a defense contractor? Does that count as 1 or 2 strikes?
Let me know if you’d care to chat sometime….
Thanks for the laughs though :)
cobra
My Proposed Reply: Um, ok, who do I like? Well clearly not you buddy, or, excuse me, “Cobra,” since I have ignored all three of the emails you’ve already sent me. IT for a defense contractor actually counts as 3 strikes, thanks to a little thing called synergy.
42, DC, white 6’2
Subject: What a pity :-)
I had been wondering about possibly sending you an email, but now I have read your latest update, I see there wouldn’t be much point, being over 35.
It’s a shame, as our shared love of language, music (especially opera), intelligence and culture would have been a great starting point :-) I seriously wish you every success in your search,
All my best,
Name
My Proposed Reply: How wonderful that my clarification that I did not want to hear from you is what finally inspired you to write to me, you creepy ancient weirdo!
32, DC, white, 6′ 5*
Subject: I could get my hair dyed…
Sorry about the deluge of mail from all ‘relentlessly average guys’. You have a pretty intense set of requirements, but I think Justin Bieber is still single.
BTW what exactly about blonde guys in unattractive?
-Name
My Proposed Reply: Their blond hair. (p.s. Justin Bieber actually doesn’t fall withing my age range, nor does he meet my unspoken requirement that my dates be of legal age.)
In Conclusion: Having up the negative profile did not decrease the volume of responses, but I think the quality did decrease. I normally will get 2-3 winks and 2-3 emails from people I might be interested in.
This week is worse than normal, in that I didn’t hear from anyone all week I would write back to, but this is a representative sample of what I deal with. I always hear from super creepy old men and guys who have clearly read in my profile that I don’t want to hear from them and then write to me specifically citing that preference, as though by pointing it out I’ll suddenly change my mind.
That is pretty much what I expected. The type of person I would want to hear from would be turned off by the overwhelming negativity. And clearly, the type of person I don’t want to hear from spends no time at all thinking about whether the people they’re contacting want to hear from them.
For my next experiment, I’ll be changing my OKCupid profile to nothing but cliches! I’ll post the results the next time I end up dateless all weekend.
Experiment One: Negative Profile, Part I
I recently achieved the questionable success of earning six more months free on Match.com. This brings my online dating Total Time Wasted to an appalling 18 months.
I think I have a good profile, in that it gets me a decent amount of dates with decent people. However, I obviously haven’t found anyone worth being in a relationship with yet, and I am also constantly plagued by attention from people who are clearly completley inappropriate.
So I thought I would do a little experimenting with my profiles to see how my results change, if at all. (I would be somewhat horrified but not entirely suprised if the end result is that what I write makes no difference and the pictures really are all that matters.)
To start things off, I changed the main essay section my Match.com profile to be an overwhelmingly negative list of things I don’t want (which you may recognize if you’ve been poking around on here.) I left everything else (pictures, stats, stats of who I’m looking for, short answer questions) the same, although I did also update my headline. Here’s what I had posted for the last week:
No One Over 35 Admitted – 2 Drink Minimum – No Exceptions :-D
Well goodness, this is just not working over well at all.
I had a long, thoughtful profile up, and all it got me were emails from old men and relentlessly average people without two words to rub together to make a sentence. So I’m not sure what I was doing wrong.
I wish I could just post a list that says no fatties, no baldies, no shorties, no one over 35 who has never been married, no one under 30 who has ever been married, no IT guys, no defense contractors, no one who dreams of 2.5 kids and a dog, no animal haters, no one who still lives where they grew up, no one without a passport, no one who has no regrets, no one who describes themselves as easy going or laidback, no one who owns white sneakers, no one with lips or gums that are too pink, no one with red or blonde hair, no one who claims to like hiking but never goes, no one who claims not to have a tv but watches their roommate’s, no vegans, no freegans, no social conservatives, no one spiritual or religious, no activists of any kind, no one who’s social life revolves around their family, no one who never goes out, no one who never stays in, no picky eaters, and for god’s sake, no one who believes in a flat tax, it’s plainly regressive and mainly embraced by the people it would hurt the most.
But I guess that’s not the recommended course of action.
I know that the people who I don’t want to hear from will continue to write to me, because they clearly don’t bother to read profiles to begin with.
But if you read down this far and you think this is all kind of hilarious, drop me a line.
It was clearly posted that I was looking for a white man, aged 25-35, over 5′ 10, who lived within a reasonable distance from me.
These aren’t set in stone requirements, but they are my preferences. The farther away you are from what I say want, the less likely I am to want you – shocking, I know.
I received winks from people with the following characteristics:
27, MD, middle eastern, 5′ 10
28, MD, black, 6′ 3, no picture
32, DC, white, 6′ 5
32, MD, middle eastern, 6’0
32, VA, hispanic, 5′ 8
32, MD, white, 5′ 8
32, VA, Indian, 5′ 6
33, Montgomery, NY, white, 6’2, still married!
34, DC, white, 6′ 1
35, VA, middle eastern, 5′ 7 no picture
36, MD, white, 6′ 2, has previously winked/emailed many times
39, VA, white, 5′ 10
39, VA, white, 5′ 11, has previously winked/emailed many times
39, York, PA, Indian, 5′ 10
55, Alaska, white, 5′ 10
So all told I got 15 new winks: 2 from the type of man I said I was looking for (13%), 4 from guys who were I guess possibilities (although if they say they are 5′ 8 they are usually 2″ shorter than me) (27%), and 9 from men who were just completely unacceptable (too old, from the middle of nowhere, previously rejected, no picture, way too short) (60%.)
60% totally unacceptable seems pretty high!!!
I don’t want to really go into the details of whether the other 40% are people I feel I would be compatible with in any way, because I think it’s fair to wink at anyone you’re interested in so long as you meet their stated criteria.
Although I will say that they mostly appeared to be some unpalatable combination of extraordinarily tall or short, chubby, ex-military, average, and douchey.
I received 0 winks (0%) from people I would wink back at or communicate with in any way. Ugh.
I’ll post next about the emails I received this week, but first I need to regain my strength…
Obituary: The Skater Guy
So around midnight last night, while I was IMing the Messed up Lawyer, I got an email from the Skater Guy! Through Match! He hadn’t emailed me since we started seeing each other, he only ever texted (which, broken record I know, but I hate!!!) I don’t even have his personal email address.
Of course there’s no way that was going to be good. Clearly if he decided to email, it was because whatever he had to say was long and awful and not appropriate to put into a text! Argh!!!
I was scared. I never want to get yelled at! Especially not if I actually did something wrong!
At first I hid it from my inbox because I didn’t have the strength to open it. I was afraid it would give me nightmares. While it was hiding, I tried to predict what it would say.
He had been texting the normal amount the week before and had suggested weekend plans, which I was not available for. He later mentioned he was sad he wasn’t going to get to see me. I feel like I was being normal. I wasn’t replying that much or that often, but I was replying.
Then he texted a couple times over the weekend, I guess on Saturday he said good luck with the horse show and Sunday I wrote back and said I got hurt. I think Monday he texted to say how are you feeling and I never wrote back.
I don’t feel like from Monday to Thursday is that long, but I guess if he really liked me, and especially if he was still flipping out about his poor performance when last we crossed paths.
Eventually I mentioned to the Messed Up Lawyer that I had received the email. I had semi-mentioned the Skater Guy to him before and he said to just stop contacting him, which is what I pretty much ended up doing, although I thought it would take longer. But I figured MUL owed me and should have to sit through the drama of The Opening of The Email with me. He agreed.
So here’s what he wrote:
Hope you’re doing well. I understand if you don’t want to hang out anymore. I know how it goes. Sometimes we lose interest or just feel like things weren’t what we were truly looking for. I just thought it would be nice to let you know that I enjoyed hanging out with you and getting to know you a little. I suppose if I could go back I would have tried to get to know you even better. I hope you find what you are looking for.
Ok. So that’s not mean or anything, it’s perfectly nice. However, I do think it’s jumping the gun a little bit to assume a girl never wants to see you again just because she didn’t return your text for a couple of days. Especially when you have actual knowledge that she has been injured in an equestrian and/or boating accident.
However, in this case, he was right.
In taking himself out of the running, the Skater Guy has therefore escaped the messy indignity of administrative death. Nevertheless, he is now dead to me, effective immediately.
MUL: Demonstrating Value
I was super pissed at the Messed Up Lawyer. I had gone to his stupid DJ thing on Friday to be vaguely supportive and he knew I had a horse show on Sunday, so he should have asked how it went, preferably on Sunday. Instead what happened was I IM’d him Sunday evening and said “Well, the good news is I now have a bunch of Vicodin.” To which he said “brb.”
He then went offline (presumably heading off to bang some stupid braindead whore) and never came back. I honestly feel like even if we are just casual acquaintances, or hell, even mostly strangers, politeness dictates that you ask someone who has clearly hurt themselves if they are ok, even if you are elbow deep in some slutfest (and you might say: why would you be online during that? But two seconds later, you’ll probably be like ooooh nevermind.)
Days went by and he NEVER asked if I was ok. Finally on Wednesday I emailed him like “you could at least ask if I’m ok” and he played dumb (which I guess in fairness he IS but I mean honest to god how fucking stupid can a grown adult be?) and was like oh what did you do whatever… ugh. He did try to contact me two different ways at that point, so I gave in and talked to him.
So Wednesday night we IM’d some. He used the opportunity to talk about his ex some more, since she also rode horses and had hurt her back once. Fantastic. Then he whined for a long time about a job interview he had in the morning. It’s with his father’s firm, but I’m sure he’ll find some way to fuck it up, him being him.
Thursday night I IM’d him to see how the interview had gone. He was also writing a press release for his stupid cd that no one will ever listen to that is being released Friday. I asked to see it, and girrrrrl it would have made the baby Jesus cry. Really, really badly written. I mean he’s a lawyer for the love of god, he should be able to write, he does it for a living!
So at that point I’d had at least an entire percoset and was loving the world. He asked if I could help with it. Since he was actually nice and direct for once, I said I would rewrite it. He offered to pay me in drinks if I could make it good, which I did. So now he owes me drinks.
Deciding to write the press release was no accident though – I was Demonstrating Value, which is the D. in the D.E.N.N.I.S. System. Check it out sometime – I see no reason it can’t work a) in real life and b) for girls. But finish reading my post first!
Then we ended up IM’ing until 12:30, which is well past when he normally goes to bed. So at this point in the conversation we had been talking for about four hours… I had already rewritten the press release. We had started talking about relationships, for reasons that will become clear in tomorrow’s post.
him: (11:17:31 PM) i want a total bitch who worships the ground I walk on
me: (11:18:01 PM) no one cares what you want
him: (11:18:12 PM) ditto chauncey
me: (11:18:50 PM) let me rephrase: i shouldn’t have to listen to what you want
me: (11:19:09 PM) so is that rewrite good enough for the free drinks or what
me: (11:19:17 PM) i’m not running a charity
him: (11:20:01 PM) yeah yeah, but don’t be so self centered
me: (11:20:51 PM) it’s not like that
me: (11:21:31 PM) and what the hell do you care anyway you’re too self centered to even notice what i’m doing
him: (11:22:07 PM) good point
him: (11:22:24 PM) sometimes i get dragged into your shit
him: (11:22:44 PM) and forget i don’t care
me: (11:23:32 PM) must suck to think about someone besides yourself even for a second
Like, omg, seriously? Did he just say in a backwards way that he cares about me? Like, not even like I think he like likes me, but even to a second let his guard down and admit he would think about someone other than himself was pretty shocking!
Then later I referred back to a previous conversation where we were discussing what men and women get out of a relationship. Basically his point was that women are all like prostitutes because they exchange sex for things, whatever those things may be (emotional or physical, whatever.) And my point was it’s not that women want to use sex like that, it’s what men demand and the only reason they don’t just walk around raping every pretty girl they see is because our society won’t let them. So that’s why he’s talking about whores in this next bit:
him: (12:06:35 AM) i don’t care if you’re all whores
him: (12:06:38 AM) just fucking be awesome
him: (12:06:41 AM) that’s all i ask
him: (12:06:46 AM) don’t be stupid whores
me: (12:06:49 AM) i am awesome
him: (12:07:02 AM) when you whine, you do not appear awesome
him: (12:07:13 AM) you need to present yourself in a more awesome manner
me: (12:07:29 AM) in order to what
him: (12:07:34 AM) everything is public relations
me: (12:07:37 AM) you already think whatever you think about me
me: (12:07:42 AM) nothing i do changes it
him: (12:08:05 AM) that’s not true
This was also shocking to me. Normally he is really adamant about saying he doesn’t care what anyone thinks about him and he doesn’t care about anyone else besides himself. He makes it a point to come across as selfish as possible. So I mean to admit he has an opinion of me and that it changes, that is another big step towards seeming almost like a real human being.
But… nothing’s perfect, and then he comes out with this:
him: (12:09:24 AM) just be awesome, contribute to the awesomeness of your gender
him: (12:09:41 AM) then maybe, over time, i will not have to pick from such crap
Omg, SO INSULTING. He acts like he forgets we ever dated. He’s so self-centered that I almost believe he does forget. But grr! Even still! Fuck you buddy!!! So of course I said something, and he goes:
him: (12:12:01 AM) listen can we get past the i’m insulting you stage?
him: (12:12:30 AM) we’ve established you think i’m a dick and I don’t care
him: (12:12:36 AM) so we can either make jokes or go to bed
So he’s defending himself, which means he cares what I think. And then he’s threatening to end the conversation, but giving me the option not to becasue he wants to keep talking to me.
me: (12:15:08 AM) well if you want stupid brainless sluts you certainly know where to find them
him: (12:15:24 AM) i don’t
me: (12:15:28 AM) thats the worst part is you deny it
me: (12:15:32 AM) you so clearly do want that
him: (12:15:32 AM) i mean i like sluts
him: (12:15:40 AM) but they need a brain too
me: (12:15:49 AM) why? so you can force them not to use it?
me: (12:16:00 AM) that is why
me: (12:16:01 AM) hmm
me: (12:16:06 AM) interesting
And that I think sums up what he does want, and what every man wants – they want a smart girl, but she can’t be as smart as him. If he’s 99th percentile, she should be 90th and know it, so that she’ll ALWAYS agree with him and never question that he’s right. Then he can sit there and feel validated that a smart girl agrees with him and also in the back of his mind know that he’s completely right and always will be every time he opens his mouth because he’s smarter than her.
